I wrote this about 6 years ago
Disorder
Disturbingly satisfying
Even though
The disease of addiction
brings on the disorder of my eating
which continues the compulsion
to continuously throw-up (I mean
purge myself of food)
As disgusting as this seems
A habit is a habit
and so....
disregarding my best interest
and the despairing looks from my peers
I continue to binge and purge
I am finding it difficult to express how I feel about the experiences I'm having as I move threw each day with this journal and staying committed to myself not to engage with the food disorder. I thought about it. What stopped me partially was this journal but mostly the intense urge to binge was not present today and hasn't been all week.
Why?
It is time for it to end.
Everything I'v been working on to heal myself is coming together and I am now able to focus on this 31 minute pranayama to quite my mind. It does work. It has not been a comfortable day. I have allot of food in the house. Left overs from the pot-luck I had on Saturday. I still want to dissociate. I would rather watch TV than listen to my mind banter back & forth conversations and events that are no longer valid. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
You would think with all the yoga I'v done that this would have lessoned a bit, and it has. Food disorders bring on many forms of physiological disturbances and miscued perceptions of reality. My mind with all its negativity & loud opinions about myself & others has kept me unsettled & distrusting of my own judgement for most of my life.
so, no food disorder to distract me. I have to be more present but theres a part of me that dos'nt want to be here at all. Its very frustrating.
Good Night
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