Day 10: WOW & yaa me
Ten days without binging & purging. This is huge for me.
I have lived more than half my life with this compulsive obsessive
behavior. I used the bulimia as a release for everything. Feel to good, gotta bring myself down. Feeling down? bring myself up or at least dissociate for a while.
The binge fills the emptiness the purge gives the release. It has been a way for me to escape deep depression for most of my life but has also kept me very isolated & lonely.
Feeling powerless & overwhelmed with no direction & no sense of self. I had low-self esteem when the bulimia took hold around the age of 16 and as it progressed threw the years it was so painful to live my life(I was binging & Purging 2 to 6 times a day) I felt disconnected to my physical body and adding to this was a profound & deeply ingrained sense of worthlessness because of my inability to stop this incredible self- destructive behavior. I felt so disgusted with my life so confused it became very easy for me to fall into the world of drugs. Drugs 'saved' me from the misery of the hellish cycle of bulimia. The drugs became my primary addiction and the bulimia became the far distant second addiction for about 20 years.
The food disorder started at 16.
Heavy drug addiction began in my early 20'.
The last time I used drugs was at the age of 41. I went into a recovery house for 7 months.(this was my second attempt in the same recovery house. The first attempt I was there for 7 months and stayed clean for a year.)
What changed with my second time? I found Kundalini Yoga.
I bow to the power greater than myself.
To the one God in all.
To the consciousness that serves humanity.
To the source of our breath.
To the great unknown.
To the love that resides in my heart and to the process it has taken to learn this.
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